the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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