So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
