i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
