Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
soo... how was my night?
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