My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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