I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
