Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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