Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
