I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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