If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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