SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
