We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Can I color on your dick again?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
