i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
