If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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