if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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