Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
