Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
