she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
50% drunk capacity currently
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
