being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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