i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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