Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I pour the whiskey from now on
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
