I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
