I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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