Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
