Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
