I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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