my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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