she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
