She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
