I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
