I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
