Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
