Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
