If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
