I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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