I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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