my vag is so smooth its legendary
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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