I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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