you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
