it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so let's talk penis.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
