the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
