my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
