just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
