It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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