this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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