Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
