can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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