Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
