she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
