walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
