You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
