I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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