you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
